Teenage Fallout…
Friday, March 26th, 2010Here’s a question which came in response to my offer “You’ve got questions, I’ve got Answers”. It’s from a member of the Think Out Loud MasterMind community. If you’ve got a question to ask, let me know at john@johnmfoxjr.com.
Greetings,
Here goes, I have a 19 year old daughter who is currently living with her boyfriend and his parents, she is pregnant and due in late August. She was 12 when her mother and I divorced, and this is a child that is used to getting her way and is rather spoiled (but she can also be very sweet, loving and caring.
Example: she wanted a golf cart when she was 11 because her friends had one and we lived out in the desert and there were places the kids could ride, NO was our answer as soon as we divorced my Ex bought her a golf cart which she hardly used. I also have a 16 year old daughter who isn’t as spoiled.
When my 19 YO turned 16 she pretty much stopped talking to me, no reason given. I do get mono syllabic answers when I see her in person which is about twice a year. I have tried calling, texting, writing and mail letters and emails to no avail. This year she gave my Ex a reason for this behavior but I find no truth to her reason and it doesn’t warrant the behavior.
I had called her boyfriends parents when I found out about the baby so I could meet them, they agreed and then canceled because my daughter wasn’t comfortable with us meeting. My daughter can be as sweet as can be when she wants but if you tell her ” no” too many times she’ll react. My 16 YO and I talk about everything and have a wonderful relationship, I had a very fine relationship with the 19 YO too in the past.
Any advice big boy?
Sincerely, <Anonymous>
Advice? Me? Well, yes… But not advice from just me. Some of the greatest coaches out there have addressed similar circumstances, so I’ll contribute to that vein.
Now stick with me here: Norman Vincent Peale recalls a situation in which a spouse discovered that she and her husband had grown apart for no apparent reason after years of happy marriage. She sought answers from a coach and was instructed to create an image of herself which was different than that of her current circumstances.
He advised her to persistently hold a positive image of herself and of her husband, as things used to be “in the good old days”; of once again being in harmony and companionship together. She was to hold to this picture tenaciously and with faith (read: gratitude), that what once was, could be again, simply by virtue of its previous existence.
Soon after this, it got worse. Her husband informed her that he wanted a divorce. Because of her confidence-building new self-image, she received this request with calmness and asked that he consider holding off for 90 days. He agreed, so during this time she made her imaging even clearer and filled with believability. She pictured him sitting in his chair, reading. She pictured them playing golf together and taking hikes, like they used to. She pictured him painting and fixing things as he used to. She pictured and projected all the things she wanted as a definite result for her own life.
Before she knew it, there he sat, in his chair, reading. She had to look twice to make sure it was reality she was seeing, and not her creative imagination. Her “picturization” had become reality. After that night he still did his own thing occasionally, but more and more frequently he sat in his chair. Then the days began to go by pleasantly. And at the 90th day, she asked him about settling “that divorce matter” to which he responded, “Don’t be silly! I couldn’t possibly get along without you”.
When the New Testament says, “the Kingdom of God is within you”, it is informing us that the Universe has been provided to respond to your co-creative abilities. You see, you have the powerful and unique gift to create not only new and lasting things, but the ability to repair those things which are important to you. This is truly unlimited potential!
If you have absolute faith that a healed relationship with your daughter can be yours, then it certainly will be. Now, a part of the story is missing: the part about her reason for pulling away from you, but in reality, that’s immaterial. The only reason I mention it is because you brought it up – because you’re still holding on to it. You know it to be false, but it has made an impression on you.
This is where you have the opportunity to use the Intellectual Faculty of your Will to hold on to the image/vision/picture of a relationship-made-whole (to the exclusion of contrarian and suspect reasons). Those reasons don’t matter. They are further darkness in an already dark situation. What this situation needs is not more darkness (focusing on what’s gone before), but light (focused concentration on what will come to pass) – which will cast out all darkness if applied persistently and tenaciously.
Focus on what you want. Make a visual picture of it. You and I have talked and you mentioned you used to cook together. Picture that. Do that. Make a “space” for her presence to fill. In this way, the Vacuum Law will come into action in conjunction with the Law of Attraction. Being persistent, and according to the Law of Gender, must result in the fulfillment of your goal.
Another point: People don’t interact with each other based on words or even action. People respond and react to each other based on how others feel toward them, or how they perceive others feel toward them.
An example of this truth is how two people who love each other may say the words “I love you”, but feel anger toward each other during an argument. The Intellectual Faculty of the Intuition picks up on what is being felt, not what’s being said. The lack of love in that situation is obvious. You can feel it.
I don’t know enough about your story to know if you feel anything negative about your daughter or her situation when you initiate contact, but if that is the case, you’ll get a response based on that truth: people respond to feelings, not to words or actions.
The reason for this is because it is the subconscious mind through which we are all connected – this is our spiritual side. The father/daughter relationship is a very close one because her spirit, her very being, is part of yours. This also provides you with a distinct advantage because she will be more intuitively receptive to your feelings of love which are untainted by memories or thoughts of the former days of hard feelings.
I’m avoiding commenting on the observation you made that your daughter is “spoiled” in light of what I just said – that people respond to feelings, not words or actions. Plenty of people have everything and are not spoiled, because being spoiled is an attitude, not a collection of things. I’ve seen many a person who is spoiled and has nothing.
Something else that you may want to consider is her level of self-awareness. If your daughter is reactionary – if she believes the problems in her life are someone else’s fault or if she just follows the crowd – then she may not have developed an understanding of her individuality. Her self-image may be dependent on her circumstances or on the opinion of others. If this is the case, a change in direction toward a closer relationship with you may be terrifying to her – not because of you, but because of change.
A Canadian neurosurgeon revealed some amazing truths about the intensity of fear when people undergo change. He conducted some experiments which proved that when a person is forced to change a basic belief or a viewpoint, the brain undergoes a series of nervous sensations equivalent to the most agonizing torture. This is further proof that the mind desperately clings to its beliefs and changing them is not easy.
Finally, and you know this, your daughter is a free-willed individual and has the natural right of choice. This, combined with the fact that she is a pregnant teenager and likely confused with “who she is”, may present external “proof” (or an appearance) that things aren’t going the way you’re envisioning. Hold Your Vision in faith (read: gratitude) and this mountain will move.
Hold Your Vision, John Fox International LifeSuccess Consultant Results Coach for Business and Life www.JohnFox.LifeSuccessConsultants.com www.TOLMasterMinds.com
